Always Know That I Love You
by AtLoLevad
Summary: Jay helps Erin find a new couch and they have a much needed conversation. Post 3x05


"That was for never giving up on me."

Jay looked directly into Erin's eyes, slightly shocked from her spontaneous kiss. Her hazel eyes looked more green than brown in this light and they were clear and happy. He grinned down at her.

"I'm always gonna be there for you, Er," he said, letting his hand slide down her arm and twisting her fingers with his, "I'm glad you're back."

Erin tilted her head and pulled her legs up under her body, "I've been back almost two months now."

Jay sunk back into the couch – it really was comfortable - and sighed, "Yeah, but you were in a bad place for a long time, Erin. We were worried about you."

He watched as her face hardened at the memory of her 'sabbatical'. As her lips turned downwards into a frown, Jay mentally chastised himself. Erin still wasn't totally stable, and he didn't want to do anything to cause her to pull away.

"Hey," he said quickly, "But you're fine now. It's okay."

Erin looked down at their linked hands and gently shook her head. Jay waited for her to speak, knowing he couldn't rush her.

"I'm not really…okay," she said slowly, still looking at their hands, "I mean…I'm sober and clean. It's not drugs or anything. Um…do you know Dr. Charles?"

The name was familiar and Jay searched his memory, finally landing on the connection, "He the therapist that works at Med?"

"Yeah," Erin nodded, "Hank…uh…he must've called him or something when I came back. Dr. Charles has been trying to get me to talk about N—about everything that happened."

Jay didn't see the problem, "I think that's a great idea. I never talked to anyone when I get home even though I should've."

His eyes went dark and a crease formed between his eyebrows as he thought about the dark days and months after his return home.

Erin studied his face and made a mental note to as Jay about his time with the Rangers.

But now, "I've been blowing him off," she admitted, finally meeting his eyes.

He could see that while she was clean, there was still fear and anger and grief in her gaze.

But more than that, Erin looked a little bit lost. Like she knew where she was supposed to be and what she was supposed to be doing, but she couldn't quite get herself back to the person she was.

"You know," Jay said casually, "I meant what I said, back when I found you at the club. You have made me a better cop."

Before Erin could shake her head and ask what that had to do with anything, Jay continued.

"You're tough and stubborn and damn good at what you do. But you can't do it alone. You can't push people – me- away when they want to get close and help you. Intelligence is a family and you can't just ignore that."

Erin protested, "But I can. They're my problems and I'll deal with them." She yanked her hands away from his.

"That's bullshit," Jay scoffed, "Look, I want to be with you. Voight doesn't care about it anymore. There's nothing stopping us."

"But?" Erin sighed, not registering what jay has said about Voight.

"But," Jay said, looking at her intensely, "I won't put myself on the line if you're just gonna push me away. You need to talk to someone, Er. I don't care if it's Dr. Charles or Voight or me. Hell, talk to Platt if it helps. Just don't bottle it up. That's only going to ruin you later on."

Erin's mouth had thinned into a straight line as Jay spoke. Now, she said, "You don't know what it's like, Jay. You don't know what I'm going through."

"But I want to," Jay snapped, getting angry, "I want you to let me in, let me help you be Erin again."

"It's not easy!" she shouted back, pounding her fist against the new couch cushion.

Jay shrugged, "It's its too easy, it's usually not worth it. It's up to you, Erin. But know that I'll be here for you and love you no matter what your choice is."

He pushed off form the couch, "But I won't get back together with you until you've worked through your issues."

He leaned down and kissed the crown of her head before heading to the door.

The door was halfway shut behind Jay when Erin called out.

"I can't sleep at night."

Jay turned around and stepped back into Erin's apartment. He leaned against the wall and closed the door softly.

Erin sighed and closed her eyes, "All I can see is Na – that day. That's all I see when I close my eyes. And it's so goddamn hard. The drugs and alcohol made it all go away. I didn't have to see anything, Jay."

Silent tears rolled down her cheeks and Jay was across the room in three long strides. He was next to her immediately, his arm holding her tight in his embrace.

"It's gonna get easier," he muttered.

Erin's floodgates opened. She sobbed into Jay's chest for a long time. She hadn't let herself cry since Nadia had been killed, hadn't let herself feel anything but numbness.

But now, here in Jay's arms, Erin knew something had to change.

"Jay?" she murmured later, his arms still around her and her cheeks still wet with tears.

"Mmm?" he replied.

"Can we be friends again? I'm sorry for this summer," she shuddered, thinking of the crappy way she had treated him.

Jay laughed, "We were always friends, Erin. You just forgot for a little bit."

"I wont forget again," she promised, her voice cracking a little.

They stayed tucked close together on Erin's new couch well into the night, and it felt like a new beginning.

* * *

 **A/N: I has been a LOOONG time since I wrote some Linstead. But scrolling through 'halsteadonhalstead's posts on Tumblr after last night's episode got me thinking. The relationship that these two are building up again has really been rushed. This season as a whole hasn't felt super coherent.**

 **So, I wrote this. It, obviously, picks up from Erin spontaneously kissing Jay on her new couch. Let me know what you think :)**


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